From September 2021
I just celebrated another trip around the earth… I spent
a weekend camping and eating cupcakes with friend and family to celebrate my
34th birthday. For some reason this birthday has had me a lot more pensive than
usual. I have been muddling the question… what did my 33rd year really consist
of? What word would I use to describe it?
Despite a lot of joy and growth this year, I keep coming
back to the same word. Cancer.
Even though the large tumor that plagued my thyroid has
been removed, I still feel the weight of cancer in my daily life.
People have told me "You won the cancer lottery! This is the best kind to
get!" I know they mean well, but I don't really feel like I won the
lottery. I don't fear for my life right now and for that I am grateful.
Nevertheless this year has been heavy with anxiety, frustration and impatience.
This year has changed me irreversibly.
Like many others, I keep wanting all of what happened in
2020 and 2021 to be past tense. Something that came, we conquered and moved on
from. More and more I have realized this is something I will likely live with
and manage for the rest of my life. By nature I am usually someone who is
really positive - but in many ways this has been a bitter pill to swallow.
Every time I get a new blood test to check the tumor
marker, I obsessively check my phone for days to see the new results.
The surgeon told me the surgery would be easy and so
would the recovery. The surgery was awful. I woke up feeling like a weight was
crushing me. I had a panic attack because I felt like couldn't breathe. I will
never forget being terrified and alone in that hospital bed by myself wishing I
could get the nurses to take me seriously.
I ended up having significant impacts to my voice and am
now just starting to see progress. I still can't sing much at church which is
something really silly and simple but something I miss. My voice sometimes cuts
out at meetings and feels too strained to read my kids bedtime stories.
I had to spend a week away from my kids after taking
radioactive iodine. I missed them a lot but it was a much needed reprieve from
my busy work and home life raising 3 kids under 7 and managing complex projects
at work.
Tomorrow I will miss my youngest daughters first day of
preschool for a PET scan in the city. It took the doctor’s offices nearly three
months of me calling to get a date. I didn't dare reschedule.
That has been the story on this whole journey -
constantly having to follow up and advocate for yourself. Constantly waiting
for calls back or to try to get appointments. Having a medical condition can be
a part time or full time job in of itself and I can't imagine how hard it is
for people with more advanced diseases.
I have found some sweetness in this time of bitterness,
too. I have lived in the moment more. I have found support and friendship from
unlikely sources. I have prioritized the people that matter most in my life and
been intentional about spending time with them. I have been more confident in
being my authentic self.
It is hard for me not to put on a brave face. But I think
I am tired of putting that face on. Another year older, I still have cancer.
And I don't really feel like I won the lottery.
My friend. You know that I understand the weight and frustrations of living with and managing medical conditions. It's hard, often moreso than it needs to be. Admittedly, I don't know what it's like to have cancer. It seems that so many well-meaning things people say simply miss the mark. I'm sorry that you've had to face all of this, and that it'll be something that, as you said, you'll have to manage for the rest of your life.
ReplyDeleteOf course this has changed you. There are scars left behind that may never get back to normal. And that's ok. I'm glad to hear that you're learning to choose how you want to move forward. The present moment, priorities, intentional living, and being confident in your true, authentic self... those are amazing gifts that some of the most difficult journeys offer, if we're willing to open ourselves to them.
You don't have to always put on a brave face. It is exhausting. I hope that you find ways to express yourself without that brave face on. Writing has been a helpful tool for me, in that regard.
I love you and I'm here for you.