From September 2021
I just celebrated another trip around the earth… I spent
a weekend camping and eating cupcakes with friend and family to celebrate my
34th birthday. For some reason this birthday has had me a lot more pensive than
usual. I have been muddling the question… what did my 33rd year really consist
of? What word would I use to describe it?
Despite a lot of joy and growth this year, I keep coming
back to the same word. Cancer.
Even though the large tumor that plagued my thyroid has
been removed, I still feel the weight of cancer in my daily life.
People have told me "You won the cancer lottery! This is the best kind to
get!" I know they mean well, but I don't really feel like I won the
lottery. I don't fear for my life right now and for that I am grateful.
Nevertheless this year has been heavy with anxiety, frustration and impatience.
This year has changed me irreversibly.
Like many others, I keep wanting all of what happened in
2020 and 2021 to be past tense. Something that came, we conquered and moved on
from. More and more I have realized this is something I will likely live with
and manage for the rest of my life. By nature I am usually someone who is
really positive - but in many ways this has been a bitter pill to swallow.
Every time I get a new blood test to check the tumor
marker, I obsessively check my phone for days to see the new results.
The surgeon told me the surgery would be easy and so
would the recovery. The surgery was awful. I woke up feeling like a weight was
crushing me. I had a panic attack because I felt like couldn't breathe. I will
never forget being terrified and alone in that hospital bed by myself wishing I
could get the nurses to take me seriously.
I ended up having significant impacts to my voice and am
now just starting to see progress. I still can't sing much at church which is
something really silly and simple but something I miss. My voice sometimes cuts
out at meetings and feels too strained to read my kids bedtime stories.
I had to spend a week away from my kids after taking
radioactive iodine. I missed them a lot but it was a much needed reprieve from
my busy work and home life raising 3 kids under 7 and managing complex projects
at work.
Tomorrow I will miss my youngest daughters first day of
preschool for a PET scan in the city. It took the doctor’s offices nearly three
months of me calling to get a date. I didn't dare reschedule.
That has been the story on this whole journey -
constantly having to follow up and advocate for yourself. Constantly waiting
for calls back or to try to get appointments. Having a medical condition can be
a part time or full time job in of itself and I can't imagine how hard it is
for people with more advanced diseases.
I have found some sweetness in this time of bitterness,
too. I have lived in the moment more. I have found support and friendship from
unlikely sources. I have prioritized the people that matter most in my life and
been intentional about spending time with them. I have been more confident in
being my authentic self.
It is hard for me not to put on a brave face. But I think
I am tired of putting that face on. Another year older, I still have cancer.
And I don't really feel like I won the lottery.
