Scared

Note: today I am finally publishing some posts I drafted a while ago. This is from my 12 week appt during my pregnancy with Lucy. I am happy to report she was born a happy and healthy baby girl and is now 3 months old. 

Today I had a really scary experience that I am sure I won't forget.

I went in for my 12 week appointment and the dr. could't find a heart beat. She said she would have me get an ultrasound and would see me in 4 weeks. She acted so calm and asked if had any questions just like any other visit.

I was in shock. I had been in fear all week that this pregnancy was too good to be true, a miracle and a blessing that couldn't be real.  I mumbled no questions - except... where do I go now?

I spent the next 45 minutes with my mind rushing as I chased Bennett around the office. Oh darn it - he pooped. Again. I took him to the bathroom and broke down in tears as I cleaned his little bum.

He started to throw a tantrum as we left the bathroom. I begged him, please be nice to mommy today.

We returned from the bathroom.  A few more minutes went by and they called me back. I was so anxious and so afraid of what the tech would tell me.

A little gel and she places the monitor on my belly - where is the baby? Why can't I see it? Just a big black blob. Oh - I can't take this!

I don't hear anything and start to panic - but then the tech says she sees a heartbeat. I burst into tears again. My baby is alive! I almost couldn't believe it. I was so relieved.

After she measure the heartbeat she showed me a few different views of the baby. The baby is a little smaller than a plum right now. She shifts the view again - and suddenly I see it - the baby moving! Waving it's cute little arms at me.

I felt such relief but still was shaken at the horror of if I had lost the baby.

I know so many friends and loved ones who have lost little ones. I can't even imagine the pain, but I caught a glimpse of the fear and the anxiety that might come to a mother who experiences this kind of loss.

I am so grateful that the baby is healthy. I had a very spiritual experience that led me to this pregnancy - I know that it is a direct blessing from Heavenly Father after fervent prayers and direction from him.

1 Samuel 1:27
For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him: