Some of my favorites from Summer 2015

1 Year!

Scared

Note: today I am finally publishing some posts I drafted a while ago. This is from my 12 week appt during my pregnancy with Lucy. I am happy to report she was born a happy and healthy baby girl and is now 3 months old. 

Today I had a really scary experience that I am sure I won't forget.

I went in for my 12 week appointment and the dr. could't find a heart beat. She said she would have me get an ultrasound and would see me in 4 weeks. She acted so calm and asked if had any questions just like any other visit.

I was in shock. I had been in fear all week that this pregnancy was too good to be true, a miracle and a blessing that couldn't be real.  I mumbled no questions - except... where do I go now?

I spent the next 45 minutes with my mind rushing as I chased Bennett around the office. Oh darn it - he pooped. Again. I took him to the bathroom and broke down in tears as I cleaned his little bum.

He started to throw a tantrum as we left the bathroom. I begged him, please be nice to mommy today.

We returned from the bathroom.  A few more minutes went by and they called me back. I was so anxious and so afraid of what the tech would tell me.

A little gel and she places the monitor on my belly - where is the baby? Why can't I see it? Just a big black blob. Oh - I can't take this!

I don't hear anything and start to panic - but then the tech says she sees a heartbeat. I burst into tears again. My baby is alive! I almost couldn't believe it. I was so relieved.

After she measure the heartbeat she showed me a few different views of the baby. The baby is a little smaller than a plum right now. She shifts the view again - and suddenly I see it - the baby moving! Waving it's cute little arms at me.

I felt such relief but still was shaken at the horror of if I had lost the baby.

I know so many friends and loved ones who have lost little ones. I can't even imagine the pain, but I caught a glimpse of the fear and the anxiety that might come to a mother who experiences this kind of loss.

I am so grateful that the baby is healthy. I had a very spiritual experience that led me to this pregnancy - I know that it is a direct blessing from Heavenly Father after fervent prayers and direction from him.

1 Samuel 1:27
For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

Bennett's Birth

The day before Bennett was born

Before I ever got pregnant, I was pretty sure I wanted to have a natural childbirth.  I had a few friends who I really admired who had natural births.  I also saw the documentary "The Business of Being Born", which while I realize is biased, I still found very informative and inspiring.

While it is not a choice I think everyone would/could/should make, I am grateful for the birth experience I had.

 I had a very long early labor (Wed - Friday), where I more than once thought it was about time. I kept calling the midwifes and checking in, and they kept saying... "nope, doesn't sound like you are ready yet". We even went in on Wednesday night to discover I was only dilated to a 2.... not even close!

We spent the days going on walks, playing board games, trying to get some sleep. My contractions slowed down during the day.

At night they picked up, and that was why we checked in so many times. I would contract with such regular frequency and growing intensity. I spent all of Friday night pacing the floor, alternating between sitting in my big blue arm chair and leaning over our kitchen island to work through the contractions.

Finally Saturday morning I had had enough! Things started to slow down again as they did the previous days, but we drove on in to the Birth Center because I was so worn out and we were tired of waiting. To our delight I was dilated to a 6. I was so excited when the midwife told us we were having our baby today... it gave me a new burst of energy and courage. We had been so discouraged every time they had said not yet.  They sent us on a long walk to get things moving and then admitted us afterwards. The walk was actually really empowering. We were walking through Cambridge and I kept having to stop for contractions, and people would see me and shout "You can do it! I've been there!" or "You Go Girl!"

My blood pressure was too high to stay at the birth center (a center on the hospital campus that is more home-like/comfortable), so I waddled slowly and stopped often as I was transferred to the hospital to have Bennett.  Although I am sure the birth center would have been fine, I really had a good experience in the hospital.  They knew I wanted a natural birth, and I clicked a lot better with the midwife there.

Within an hour of being there I was already to an 8, so they broke my water. I then took a hot shower. They asked me afterwards if the contractions felt more intense... I could hardly feel them in the shower. Within 15-20 minutes of hopping out of the shower, my doula said..."Are you pushing??? It looks like you are bearing down?" I said I had no idea, my body was just doing what it was doing. They brought in the midwife and I had my first real push. There is nothing that could have prepared me for that! I literally felt him move like 2 inches down the birth canal and my eyes almost popped out of my head. I got pretty scared... but the midwife was so supportive and told me to listen to my body. I pushed every few minutes for about 45 minutes, and then Bennett was born. The pushing was definitely the most intense experience of my life... I felt so strong yet so weak at the same time. My body knew what it was doing though, and as long as I listened to my body it was okay.

I can also really attest the natural pain relieving powers of our bodies. I felt like I was on another planet. I had hormones rushing through me that I have never ever felt before, I was almost in a trance of some sort.

 The rush I felt from natural birth was incredible. After Bennett was born and they were cleaning everything up, I just sat in the bed in awe. I felt like I was in another dimension. If I were to imagine what it was like to be extremely high, I was higher than a kite. I had so many natural hormones rushing through my body... it was amazing. And while pushing is one of the most painful experiences I have ever had... it brought me the greatest joy I have ever had. My sweet Bennett.