The C Word

From September 2021

I just celebrated another trip around the earth… I spent a weekend camping and eating cupcakes with friend and family to celebrate my 34th birthday. For some reason this birthday has had me a lot more pensive than usual. I have been muddling the question… what did my 33rd year really consist of? What word would I use to describe it?

 

Despite a lot of joy and growth this year, I keep coming back to the same word. Cancer.

 

Even though the large tumor that plagued my thyroid has been removed, I still feel the weight of  cancer in my daily life.  People have told me "You won the cancer lottery! This is the best kind to get!" I know they mean well, but I don't really feel like I won the lottery.  I don't fear for my life right now and for that I am grateful. Nevertheless this year has been heavy with anxiety, frustration and impatience. This year has changed me irreversibly.

 

Like many others, I keep wanting all of what happened in 2020 and 2021 to be past tense. Something that came, we conquered and moved on from. More and more I have realized this is something I will likely live with and  manage for the rest of my life. By nature I am usually someone who is really positive - but in many ways this has been a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Every time I get a new blood test to check the tumor marker, I obsessively check my phone for days to see the new results.

 

The surgeon told me the surgery would be easy and so would the recovery. The surgery was awful. I woke up feeling like a weight was crushing me. I had a panic attack because I felt like couldn't breathe. I will never forget being terrified and alone in that hospital bed by myself wishing I could get the nurses to take me seriously.

 

I ended up having significant impacts to my voice and am now just starting to see progress. I still can't sing much at church which is something really silly and simple but something I miss. My voice sometimes cuts out at meetings and feels too strained to read my kids bedtime stories.

 

I had to spend a week away from my kids after taking radioactive iodine. I missed them a lot but it was a much needed reprieve from my busy work and home life raising 3 kids under 7 and managing complex projects at work.

 

Tomorrow I will miss my youngest daughters first day of preschool for a PET scan in the city. It took the doctor’s offices nearly three months of me calling to get a date. I didn't dare reschedule. 

 

That has been the story on this whole journey - constantly having to follow up and advocate for yourself. Constantly waiting for calls back or to try to get appointments. Having a medical condition can be a part time or full time job in of itself and I can't imagine how hard it is for people with more advanced diseases.

 

I have found some sweetness in this time of bitterness, too. I have lived in the moment more. I have found support and friendship from unlikely sources. I have prioritized the people that matter most in my life and been intentional about spending time with them. I have been more confident in being my authentic self.

 

It is hard for me not to put on a brave face. But I think I am tired of putting that face on. Another year older, I still have cancer. And I don't really feel like I won the lottery.

2018 In Review

2018 was a wonderful year. Here are some of my favorite memories from this year!


Winter

• In January we celebrated 8 years of marriage. 
• We found out I was pregnant with Emma which was really exciting and also a little surprising at how quickly it happened.
• Lucy's hair finally grew in long enough for pig tails. I am terrible at doing her hair but I try. 
• We survived another year of snow in the northeast.  This winter was a lot more mild but still had plenty of snow.
  
  

Spring

• In March John and I went to Rome. John had a work trip and I tagged along for a long weekend. I was sooo exhausted from pregnancy and jet lag but we had a nice time. I taught a lesson at church a few weeks later on the great apostasy and need for a restoration and used lots of facts I learned in Rome.
• In April we went to Alabama and introduced my grandma to Lucy. We also went to Gulf Shores with my parents and spent a lot of time enjoying nature. Gulf Shores State Park was gorgeous!
• We spent Memorial Day Weekend Camping with Nana on Cape Cod. We had so much fun - the kids love being outdoors.

Summer

• We bought a minivan in preparation for being a family of 5. I actually love my minivan and convinced my sister to buy one, too!
• Bennett finished his first year of pre-school in June and was adorable in his preschool pageant.
• Both Bennett and Lucy loved working with me in the garden. Lucy became known as the "strawberry bandit" and would run outside to find berries. I made a lot of fun things from the garden this year, everything from ratatouille, saurkreuat, tons of pickles and flower arrangements. I think my flowers might have been my favorite part.
• We spent a magical week in Cape Cod over the fourth of July. Bennett still talks about this trip. It was so relaxing and is definitely something we hope to do again.
• I went to girls camp for two nights to wrap up my time as young women's president for the last two years. It was bittersweet to be released from this calling, I loved my experience working with our young women.
• My colleagues threw me a baby shower - it was so kind. I was not very patient waiting for Emma to come. I expected her to come early because Bennett and Lucy were early. She took her time.

Fall

• Bennett started pre-school and Lucy began a 1 day playgroup through early intervention.
• My Mom and Dad arrived to meet Emma, except she hadn't arrived yet! My Dad had to leave before she came. She came 4 days after her due date. It was the strangest and most calm birth - almost zen like. The lights were low with calm music. I was induced but they only had to break my water and she was born just a few hours later after just a few minutes of pushing. I loved her instantly. 
• We then entered a phase of blurry days and nights. My mom left the day after I came home from the hospital and John really picked up the slack.We also had a lot of help from our nanny Rose and friends nearby. 
• Bennett turned 4 - we had a fun little dinner to celebrate. I made him a dinosaur cake inspired by my new addiction - the great british baking show.
• Lucy turned 2! Mom and Dad came for her birthday party and halloween activities. We made another fun cake. 
• Kathryn (my mother in law) came for a week and we had a great time visiting.  We blessed Emma at church while she was in town and had many dear friends join us. 
• I threw a big Dia De Los Muertos Party at church to celebrate family history. It was a blast. 
• In November Emma and I went to Houston for a girls weekend with my sisters and Mom. We had a blast going to Nutcracker market and just hanging out together.
• John had multiple music performances of Christmas music he had been working on. His favorite commute activity is transcribing music. 
• We did an early Christmas at Home before heading to Dallas and Arkansas for the Holidays. We have had a great time being with our loved ones here and having the kids get to know their cousins better.

Trips Taken:

• Frankfurt, Germany (John)
• Raleigh, NC (John)
• Rome, Italy
• Gulf Shores, Al / Rainbow City, AL to visit Grandma
• Cape Cod, MA
• Sharon, VT
• Portland, ME
• New Haven, CT
• Houston, TX (Kristin)
• Antwerp, Belgium (John)
• Colleyville, TX
• Little Rock, AR

December 2017

December 2017 was a fun month for our family. We wrapped up 2017 with a bang - spent time with friends both new and old, continued traditions and maybe started a new one or two. We flew down to Dallas on Christmas Eve and spent a few days with my parents and sisters before heading back home before new year's. It was a much needed break and time to re-charge. Bennett and Lucy adored the time with Nana, Papa and cousin Luke. John and I celebrated 8 years of marriage when we got back with a fun night of food, an action/adventure escape room and board games with friends.

 Since I was taking photos of Lucy, Bennett asked if I could take his photo. Only problem - no pants! HA!

Some 2016 Favorites from John's Phone

What a joy this kid is! Here he is with a sort of mullet doing his favorite thing -eating!

A spring visit to Houston to meet my sister's pup Obi. Obi is now about as large as this cage and 4-5x as big as Bennett!

 We took a trip to New Hampshire with friends and Bennett enjoyed his first easter egg hunt. What a cute bunny!

 Memoral Day Weekend we camped with friends, while on a bike ride Bennett pointed and said "Owl!" We looked over and through the forest there was an owl. I could hardly believe it! I have never seen an owl in the wild before-- and my 1.5 year old spotted it.

 Reading at a book store. Bennett enjoyed 100s of books in 2016  - one of his favorite pastimes.

 In June we went to Orlando with some friends - Bennett loved Disney and has since become obsessed with Mickey Mouse.

 Summer was filled with lots of fun visitors and late nights with friends. I love this "action shot" of John trying to be 16 again.

 Sunday night bonfires with friends were the norm - here my friend Wanda and I are catching pokemon (this app lasted about 12 hours on my phone).

 Fall cleanup - my mammoth sunflowers did not disappoint.

 A visit in the fall from Nana. Bennett sure loves his nana.

 John looks so cute here - had to post... dressing room selfie for the win!

 Just a few weeks before Lucy was born we took the cog railway up to the top of mt washington (tallest peak on east coast). It was stunning!! The colors were amazing - this is a trip I will never forget.

 John and I at the temple a few days before Lucy was born.

 About to pop!

 My beautiful Lucy right after birth.

 Bennett and Nana loving on Lucy. It was so magical having my mom in town.

 Bennett as Mickey Mouse for halloween. Halloween was tricky this year as Lucy was just a few days old. I missed out on seeing Bennett really trick or treat - but I did manage to sneak into a few gatherings even just for a few minutes so I could see him. This was the first year he really "got it". He did a great job saying trick or treat and thank you.

 My mom did some photo shoots when Lucy was brand new. She is such a doll...

 Life with two kids. Always looking tired, always having one kid not going along with the program and always having your hands full. I couldn't love anything more than being a mother.

 In November, for thanksgiving, John's parents and his brother Daniel & Family came to visit us. Bennett was in heaven with his cousins. He was in such a funk when they left. Here he is saying goodbye to Avery. It was such a sweet moment.

 John and I snuck away to the Nutcracker in Boston in December. I have always wanted to go see the nutcracker and it did not disappoint.

2016 was an amazing year. I am so grateful for all we learned and experienced and that we could welcome Lucy into our family.

Some of my favorites from Summer 2015

1 Year!

Scared

Note: today I am finally publishing some posts I drafted a while ago. This is from my 12 week appt during my pregnancy with Lucy. I am happy to report she was born a happy and healthy baby girl and is now 3 months old. 

Today I had a really scary experience that I am sure I won't forget.

I went in for my 12 week appointment and the dr. could't find a heart beat. She said she would have me get an ultrasound and would see me in 4 weeks. She acted so calm and asked if had any questions just like any other visit.

I was in shock. I had been in fear all week that this pregnancy was too good to be true, a miracle and a blessing that couldn't be real.  I mumbled no questions - except... where do I go now?

I spent the next 45 minutes with my mind rushing as I chased Bennett around the office. Oh darn it - he pooped. Again. I took him to the bathroom and broke down in tears as I cleaned his little bum.

He started to throw a tantrum as we left the bathroom. I begged him, please be nice to mommy today.

We returned from the bathroom.  A few more minutes went by and they called me back. I was so anxious and so afraid of what the tech would tell me.

A little gel and she places the monitor on my belly - where is the baby? Why can't I see it? Just a big black blob. Oh - I can't take this!

I don't hear anything and start to panic - but then the tech says she sees a heartbeat. I burst into tears again. My baby is alive! I almost couldn't believe it. I was so relieved.

After she measure the heartbeat she showed me a few different views of the baby. The baby is a little smaller than a plum right now. She shifts the view again - and suddenly I see it - the baby moving! Waving it's cute little arms at me.

I felt such relief but still was shaken at the horror of if I had lost the baby.

I know so many friends and loved ones who have lost little ones. I can't even imagine the pain, but I caught a glimpse of the fear and the anxiety that might come to a mother who experiences this kind of loss.

I am so grateful that the baby is healthy. I had a very spiritual experience that led me to this pregnancy - I know that it is a direct blessing from Heavenly Father after fervent prayers and direction from him.

1 Samuel 1:27
For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him: